Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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