Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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