..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
