Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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