I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
