I think im going to throw up on grandma
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
