Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
