Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize