she looked like the before picture.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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