i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
