Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Randomize