happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
