Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
