Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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