my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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