Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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