I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
