I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
