toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
