I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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