I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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