omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
