I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
And then he peed in my hair
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