Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
