i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
