I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize