dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Randomize