ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
