Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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