i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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