got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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