Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
