this beer tastes like vomit already
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
