I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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