I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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