I just threw up on my dentist
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize