So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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