Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
