why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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