I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize