hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
