So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
