i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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