I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
