There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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