whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
