I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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