I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
