I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize