I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
