I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
What drink are we having for lunch?
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
