I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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