I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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