I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
There's always time for handjobs
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
