his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
