Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
