he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
