how can u be prego again
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
