I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
