we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
