Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dick very happy bro
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
