I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
